For those of you who haven’t read it, the article explains how Mark Angenent, a former church minister, has opened a sex shop for Christians after stepping down as a pastor and becoming a sex therapist. The initial news story I read made no mention of the fact that he was an ex-pastor, nor that he had become a sex therapist. It simply stated that he had opened this sex shop for Christians, selling things like dildos, vibrators, etc. so understand why it left me gobsmacked for a few seconds. I also doubted the authenticity of the article as it was quite vague and poorly written. It wasn’t until I Googled the pastor’s name that I found out a bit more about the scoop, his personal background, but most of all his reasons for opening his shop.

One of the first reactions I had after reading the article was that this business venture was probably nothing more than a way to generate income and pay debts, albeit a very controversial one. In these current economical times, and with churchgoers not paying their tithes, I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, and this happened to be an effective way to bring in money… I did not think for a second that Mark Angenent was genuinely interested in helping Christians improve their sex lives through the use of sex toys, erection aids and prostate simulators. It also amused me to read that he did not use pornographic or explicit images to sell his products, and did not sell whips and other fetish items. This, apparently, was to avoid ‘shocking’ the Christian community and used as a way to place boundaries on his controversial business move. But… Just how do you sell a sex toy without being explicit? I asked myself. If you are going to do it, pastor, do it all the way, don’t stop half way through, claiming that you don’t want to shock Christians; when the decision to leave the pulpit to stand behind a sex shop counter is in itself far more shocking than the explicit images you are avoiding. This was my initial thought process in the heat of the moment – pun somewhat intended.

Then, I gathered my thoughts and decided to give the former pastor the benefit of the doubt, and in fact move away from the entire news story and ponder eroticism in marriage. Well, not literally – only for the sake of this post, I should point out!

It would be difficult to discuss eroticism without defining it first; but sometimes, in order to better understand what something is, you first have to establish what it isn’t. To begin with, eroticism isn’t the same thing as ‘lust’. Lust is a strong, inner sexual desire; whereas eroticism, more particularly the word ‘erotic’ involves the more aesthetic and artistic side of sexual desires, sensual and romantic love – often visual. Erotica, for example, is art and literature that is intended to arouse sexual desire.

To a lot people (notably Christians), the concept of marriage - a covenant before the law (and before God) between two people, that exclusive partnership between two beings, should essentially exclude all types of erotica, pornography and sex toys knowing they could be considered as a third, external element to the marriage. Whether it requires the sense of sight or touch, having to resort to external ways to create sexual arousal could be seen as immoral, and not what God intended for marriage. And so things like pornography, sex toys, etc. would be banned from the bedroom, not necessarily out of choice, but more out of obedience to God and as a way to respect the sanctity and sacredness of marriage. That is generally speaking.

But there is a more liberal approach, which (I hear) is now being adopted by more and more religious folks, especially the younger generation: The idea that eroticism, erotica etc. in the context of marriage actually serves its purpose: A couple wanting to explore different dimensions of their sexuality; A couple wanting to solve their bedroom issues, whatever the extent. Or, if we want to push boundaries – that 24-year-old virgin wanting to educate himself on sex basics (and tactics) using erotica or pornography, prior to getting married.

So… where do you draw the line?

If you think of sex toys as mere objects created to boost pleasure and encourage diversity in your sex life, the idea of making them part of your marriage will probably not seem like a big deal to you (whether you are a Christian or not). And if you think of pornography as just another way to spice things up in the bedroom, I suppose not even the sex-shop pastor story will faze you. Whether this is right or wrong is not up to me to decide. It is highly subjective – I feel like for once, despite it being my own blog, my opinion really does not matter. A lot of the things we consider to be ‘of God‘ in 2012 were not ‘of God‘ when God created Adam and Eve. Condoms save millions of lives today and have helped diminish the devastating effects that HIV and AIDS has had on a global scale. But could you imagine God boasting the benefits of condoms to Adam and Eve the day He created them?

And looking at the flip side of the coin: If you are one of those people who think of sex toys as ‘third parties’, almost like having an extra person in your bedroom… (I would love to go into the spiritual implications of this, but this post would turn into a novel). And if you have a different understanding of the impact that pornography can have on your marriage, e.g. an unrealistic representation of what lovemaking is actually like; the dangers associated with compulsive viewing of pornography, namely sex addiction etc. I suppose you would think twice before allowing erotica et al into your home. Then, there is the issue of content – What do you allow your eyes to see and your body to interact with? Because that is essentially what eroticism is – a sensual interaction with visuals, objects, bodies, art, etc. to create sexual arousal. What are you watching? How are the subjects treated in the materials you are viewing? How many people are involved? What sexual acts are taking place? And again – where do you draw the line? Is there a line at all? What would be your own personal boundaries?

Finally, let me just make this clear… Don’t be fooled by the title of this post (and pay attention to the question mark at the end): I will not try to make a case for eroticism in marriage or defend the use of porn, sex toys etc. That isn’t my job, nor the point of this post. And just to go back to our infamous sex-shop pastor… I still believe this was an opportunistic business move and I don’t wish to dwell on it. But if I’m honest, I actually commend his decision to step down as a pastor and become a sex therapist instead. Shocking? Maybe. But  let’s be honest. Sex therapy is something that a lot of Christians could benefit from in this day and age. Too many of us simply don’t know how to approach sexuality, let alone how to understand our own. Too many of us are still caught up in ideologies that claim that sexual emancipation is not ‘of God’ and refuse to take into account the changes in sexual behaviours in modern times. Not that we should partake in all (or any) of those changes and tolerate anything and everything. But we should definitely try to understand them and most importantly what they mean for our own private lives. Sex is an important part of marriage after all. Then, what we choose to do between the sheets remains up to us. For those of us who are Christians, we are more likely to make our choices based on our faith as opposed to our preferences. But I guess the fundamental questions and the point of this post is to ask ourselves – Is everything bad? Should everything that encourages sexual diversity (within marriage) be considered as wrong? Or can we actually make room for discussion and… discovery? Can we? You tell me. Feel free to leave comments.

There is a word I try to avoid using in my household, as it infuriates my husband. The B****** word. It feels very surreal writing this post – I never knew I’d ever dedicate an entire post the the Beyonce effect. Thursday 5th April was another epic day on Twitter. Beyonce posted a link to her new website, as well as her new Tumblr. I noticed that most of the people who swooned and drooled uncontrollably at the photos on her Tumblr were women. Not that many men were moved by her indescribable beauty, style, persona… and if they were, they were very good at concealing it. Women stared in admiration, not just at how amazing Beyonce looked on literally every single photo, but also at the romance that was unfolding before our eyes: Her and Sean, their undying love for each other, this almost perfect partnership they seem to have… Then, there were photos of her and Solange, this sisterhood many young women wish for, or try to attain with their female friends…

But my focus was not on Beyonce as this perfect woman, flawless artist, or as this ‘idol’ we seem to have created. Instead I was inspired to write about the influence and the effect that she has on young women’s lives. Whether they see her as a role model or as a goddess, most of the women I know are unashamedly inspired by Beyonce’s undeniable story of success, almost perfect ascension to stardom, her love story and marriage to one of the most powerful men in hip hop, her looks, the way she speaks, in fact her entire life story… I then wondered if women my age often compared their lives to hers, measured their own life stories against Beyonce’s or other famous celebrities.  I have noticed how the Beyonce effect, when discussed within female groups, awakens such an uncanny sense of admiration (and sometimes obsession). At 30, she has accomplished 10 times as much as what most of us will ever accomplish in our lives. But should that matter? Is this something to be inspired by or something that actually, coming to think of it, could potential breed insecurity in young women? Does this reveal an inner sense of disappointment in us – a feeling that perhaps we should have done more with our lives?

And what does this mean in terms of male perceptions? Are men as easily swayed by the Beyonce effect (or the Angela Simmons effect, for that matter) when it comes to describing the ‘perfect’ woman? Is Beyonce’s success story used as a benchmark or standard set by men when seeking that dream woman?

Perhaps it’s time we get it straight…

Your dream woman vs your average woman vs a real woman…

I think that these ideals that women and men form in their heads are complete illusions. We are all average women wanting to be the best we want to be, for ourselves and for those we love. Beyonce too was once an average woman, but from a young age, was wired up to succeed. She not only worked hard but developed great business sense, surrounded herself with people who helped her build herself up. She kept going, perfected her craft, adopted great work ethics…  Essentially what men see as ‘the dream woman’ is only the result of a long journey of self-discovery and self-love which women embark on from a young age.

Your dream woman…

She looks beautiful from morning till evening. She has a great figure all year round, is curvy but not fat, great hair, beautiful eyes and a great smile. She has long legs and lovely skin all over, even after having 1, 2 or 3 babies. She has style, confidence and poise. She is soft-spoken and slow to anger. She is a great cook, is “wifey material” and does pretty much any household chore without complaining. She is a career-driven woman, knows how to manage her finances perfectly, makes great money and saves every month. She is amazing in bed, just the way you like it. She’s just the dream woman, you couldn’t have wished for anyone better than her. She’s the closest thing to perfection.

Your average woman…

The average woman wakes up looking like Shrek. She puts on weight easily and needs a real motive to start doing something about it (e.g.: a bikini body for the summer, or to fit in that dress before so and so’s wedding). Her hair is only as healthy and beautiful as the effort she puts into looking after it. She has bags under her eyes due to fatigue, work demands, housework, etc. Her smile, well, you only get to see it when she’s not hormonal. If you look closely enough you’ll see her stretchmarks and cellulite, which tend to become even more apparent after having babies. She couldn’t bear to live in high heels 24/7 and on most days, would rather sleep in her comfy cotton pyjamas than her lingerie. Her confidence levels may vary according to situations, just like her tone of voice. She struggles to remain calm when you wind her up. She may be a great cook (when she can be bothered) but when she’s had a long day at work, she would rather order a takeaway than spend two hours in the kitchen making dinner. And as for chores… she likes to do them in her own time, without being pressurised. In terms of career and finances, she works because she has to, hoping for her dream career to surface one day. She may not always be as cautious as she should with money – she enjoys shopping and may not save every month. When it comes to your sex life, she probably won’t be in the mood everyday. Tiredness and headache will be the main excuses. That’s your average woman. Most women are like this, but that doesn’t make them imperfect, in any way.

The real woman…

The real woman fully embraces who she is. She also wakes up looking like Shrek but knows how to take care of her appearance, not just to please her man but to please herself first. Whether she is big, medium-built or skinny, she knows the importance of eating right so she can feel right. She finds the motivation to work out so she can look right. She knows how to use her make-up and cosmetics to enhance her features and doesn’t just follow fashion but develops her own style. She wears what she wants, when she wants. Her smile is sincere, and when she doesn’t feel like smiling, she’ll explain why. She has common sense and knows what to do to keep her man and the fire burning. She knows how to please him without being a pushover. She learns how to control her emotions and takes the time to deal with the negative, but she also knows not to dwell on it. She’s not a doormat and certainly not a mug. She is wise, confident, self-loving, but not cocky. If she can’t cook, she learns to cook, then, learns to enjoy cooking. And if her man can’t cook, she gladly teaches him, or learns with him. When it comes to doing the housework, she doesn’t complain, because she knows the importance of taking care of her surroundings. She accepts the help if it’s offered to her, but will not waste her time nagging if it’s not. When it comes to money, she knows how to manage it, prioritise, save it… but she also knows how to treat herself, and those she loves. She’s not rigid with her finances, she knows how to have a good time and doesn’t feel guilty about it. In bed, she’s neither too demanding nor too submissive - she’s the 3 G’s: Great, generous but genuine.

She’s a real woman. She’s not perfect, but she’s just right.

When men recognise that the journey to real (as opposed to ‘dream‘) womanhood is a process, the expectations of the opposite sex begin to change. But men are not the only ones who have to come to that realisation. I think it’s time for women to embrace that fact too. Whoever our role models are, Beyonce, Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, etc. the road to success is a process, a learning process and a long, sometimes painful journey. Writing this post has helped me appreciate my own journey more. I may not have Queen Bey’s life or success, but I embrace my experiences as well as everything I’ve learnt in the process.

It’s been a while since someone requested that I blogged on a specific topic and when my friend asked me to write about women who go for men who are already taken, I have to admit I was excited but slightly nervous at the same time. Nothing about this topic is as black and white as it seems. It has many grey areas that are worth exploring and being the over-analytical person that I am, I’ve taken the time to really think about the why’s and the how’s of everything. Feel free to leave comments below but if you are going to leave comments, please make sure you read the entire post first, not just parts of it.

Whilst discussing with the person who asked me to write this post, one of the questions I was asked was:

“Why do some women deliberately flirt with men that they know are already in relationships?” 

When we think of sisterhood, we think of a sense of belonging, common values, shared experiences, etc. The codes of sisterhood are designed to encourage unity and harmony; yet so many women still find themselves compromising and breaking some of its fundamental rules. Why is that? This is similar to asking “Why do men cheat?” The answer would depend on individual cases, but generally speaking, I guess there are three possible reasons why some women place their eyes on men who are already taken.

1. The human desire to be admired

This is what I think: Before we become lovers, we are human. Before we become wives and husbands, we are human. Human nature pushes us to do things to make others admire us and give us the attention we consciously or unconsciously crave. A woman whose desire to be admired is stronger than her belief in her own set of values and morals will not make that necessary distinction between a man who is available and a man who isn’t. I find this to be particularly true for two types of women: 1. Women with low self-esteem; 2. Women who are unsatisfied in their own relationships and have a constant emotional void; one that they end up filling with compliments and attention from other males.

2. Boredom and a desire for thrills

When a child is bored, he becomes naughty. I think this applies to adults too. When a certain routine settles in woman’s life, causing her to become bored, she will start to think of ways to break it, sometimes by going against everything she knows and believes in, or even at the expense of her own relationship. A need for fun, excitement, thrills, or just the challenge to try and get that supposedly unattainable man… whatever she can get out of it, as long as “she’s not hurting anyone” …  When a woman decides to play this game out of boredom, instead of dealing with the things that made her bored in the first place; things are bound to become a vicious circle – and a dangerous one at that. If this is a way to deal with our emotional and/or physical inadequacies, it certainly isn’t the right one. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23

3. Downright malice

Human beings are complex entities; nothing about us is straightforward. Our ever-changing nature means that we can go from being the most loving, righteous and caring people to being the most selfish, malicious and wicked creatures this universe has ever known, in a split second.  Most of us have our sets of morals and values which were either implanted in us from a young age, or developed at later stages of life, through life experiences. But when a woman deliberately goes against those morals out of spite and with the aim to hurt another woman, it is what it is: unscrupulous and wrong. You have to wonder why we do this to each other, especially since none of us would ever want to be on the receiving end. But I guess in the end, each individual has her own conscience to answer to.

No mistresses without masters

But how exactly does a woman go from being single (or minding her own business in a happy relationship), to being ‘the other woman’, the ‘mistress’, the ‘homewrecker’? Whist everyone is busy pointing the finger at the Delilahs and the Jezebels of this world, I’d like to turn my attention to those who succumb to their charm. We all know how rampant a man’s eyes and mind can be and how weak the flesh is, but the responsibility to do the right thing still lies within him. And so we can’t only blame the woman’s indecencies when the man’s response is reciprocal and when both parties are entertaining it further. Not to mention the men who deliberately choose not to make their relationship status evident. Either their body language or the things they say will lead the women to believe that they are indeed single, which, eventually, may engender an inviting reaction from the woman. If both sexes thought more about some of the signals they sent out, we would save ourselves a lot of drama.

From homewrecker to… happily ever after

I remember how the world reacted when Angelina Jolie wrecked the home of Jennifer Aniston by jumping into the arms of Brad Pitt; and his bed, for that matter. I remember how appalled we all were, those of us who had this perfectly linear idea of what relationships and marriage should be like. I remember calling Angelina a homewrecker. I remember being “Team Aniston”. Then, I grew up. Today, the Brangelina legacy consists of 6 gorgeous, blessed children, 3 of which would never have made their appearance on this planet without their parents infamous union. Seeing this Hollywood power-couple in what appears to be a strong, happy relationship, their kids, their flourishing careers and just how well they seem to be doing as a couple has made me change my initial views. Who knows if their relationship will actually last?  What is certain is that their children, as the result of this union, were all part of God’s plan.

Did Brad and Angelina do this the right way? Well, if we were to believe the rumours that they were already seeing each other while Brad was with Jennifer; the answer would be no. They obviously didn’t opt for the decent alternative, which, common sense tells us, would have been to end any previous relationship before getting into a new one. And that, I believe, is the reason why a lot of people still have bittersweet feelings towards the whole Brangelina saga, quite understandably. But none of us were in the relationship to know exactly how the events took place. In fact I doubt it was as straightforward as the media made it out to be.

When the ‘pursuit’ isn’t much of a pursuit after all…

What you see as a threat may not be one at all… Here is a true story to illustrate this.  During my first year at university, I did a filmmaking module as part of my course and we were asked to pair up and produce a short documentary on social issues. One guy in my class asked me if I wanted to work with him; I agreed straight away, we chose a topic and the days that followed, met up a few times at a cafe in Islington, to brainstorm and develop our project. We spent quite a lot of time together, emailed each other a lot – all in the context of our film project. After a couple of weeks, I received a message on the uni portal, from his girlfriend, who went to the same university as us. It said “Leave my boyfriend alone.” Now. I knew this was his girlfriend because the guy had mentioned her quite a few times during our meetings. I have to say, up until that point, my university experience had been a pretty quiet and drama-free one, but when I received that message, I thought “Oh HELL no…” and was actually ready to go and confront the girl there and then. But at the same time, the whole thing left me quite shocked and sad. Baffled, not knowing how to approach the situation, I emailed her back, saying something along the lines of “I don’t know what you’ve heard and I don’t know what you’re thinking but if you want to discuss something with me or come along to our shoot, you’re more than welcome.” I then spoke to the guy about it; he said he would speak to her, and I left it as that.

Women can be so over-protective of their men that they begin to overestimate certain things. If something doesn’t pose a genuine threat to your relationship, it is in your best interest to just relax and stop assuming things. Not every woman is out to get a piece of your man and those who are should not be a cause for concern to you, unless you already have concerns with the way your partner may respond to their advances. In which case you ought to resolve the issue with him, in private. It all comes down to communication. I always say that in a relationship, once you’ve mastered the communication part, everything else just flows.

Promoting better and stronger female relations…

This post would not be complete without the following scripture:

“…You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife/husband…” (Exodus 20:17) 

There is no way to embellish the truth, whichever way you look at it, pursuing a man who is already in a committed relationship is a sin. But I guess my aim is to challenge everyone to think beyond what they think they know, and to look at the bigger picture, to understand the why’s and the how’s of everything. Go beyond what you know is wrong, and start to dissect human nature, understand how human psychology works… And as far as marriage is concerned… You can’t really comprehend the multi-dimensional aspects of marriage until you are in one. Marriage isn’t a straight, linear road to happily every after. It is full of tangents and obstacles. The statistics aren’t really in our favour either – 2 out of 3 women and 3 out of 4 men admit to having sexual thoughts about co-workers. 86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex. Some things are engraved in human nature and require an incredible amount of self-control, or, for those of us who are Christians, the guidance of the Holy Spirit. What will you let your flesh do?

“Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable…” Philippians 4:8

Here’s why I hate pointing the finger at anyone: Temptresses (for want of a better word) are everywhere. Some are among your friends, some are in your church, some are in your family… Any woman can be that kind of woman. But you can make sure you never become that kind of woman. It’s a learning curve, you live and you learn, constantly, and on the go. We all have different facets to our personalities. Some of our qualities may come out more in certain situations, the same way some of our bad points may take over when we are around certain people. But we have the choice and control over the way we act. There is always a decent alternative. In practical terms: if something isn’t yours, leave it, don’t go near it, it’s not worth it, nothing good will come out of it. And if you truly believe something good can come out of it, à la Brangelina, do it the right way, by doing nothing at all – if it has to happen, it will. Attraction can’t be helped, but just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean there isn’t a decent way to behave around them. Having good morals and traditional values helps a lot – respect for yourself and for others being the most useful one in this case. Also, it’s one thing to have morals, but it’s another to believe in them to the point that they become our foundations, things that we never compromise on. We all love to brag about the things we stand for and it’s so easy to tell others what we believe in – all things righteous and perfect; but how many of us are actually implementing these beliefs in our everyday lives? Let’s think about it.

The views that we form on the opposite sex are mostly based on our own experiences of love, heartbreak, friendship, incidents that take place in our everyday lives, or what we see in the media… It is difficult to remain objective especially when these views stem from feminist (or patriarchal) ideologies that are somewhat forced upon us. Society has us thinking of the opposite sex as our competition – It becomes male vs female; female views vs male behaviour and vice versa… News of celebrity divorces spark off heated debates about what the opposite sex is doing wrong. The oversexualised representations of women (perpetrated by men) have caused a ongoing war between the two sexes… And there are many more examples to show that generally speaking, men and women don’t get on as well as they should.

But what if we just got it all wrong? It’s time to focus our energy on ways to fix the disaccords, but ways that involve a conscious effort from both sexes and not just one; ways that would encourage men and women to engage more positively and facilitate good rapport.

I was inspired to write this post by events that took place recently both in my personal life and in the media. Note that this post is not called “What all relationships need”. And so I have deliberately chosen not to list the usual ingredients needed for healthy relationships such as love, commitment, trust, etc. (although if you want to read about that, you can click here). This post more about overall communication and behavioural issues encountered between genders on a day to day basis, not just in relationships but in friendships too.

5 things that men and women owe to each other:

1. Clarity:

Life is confusing and difficult enough; love and friendship needn’t be. Women are complex characters, we use all sorts of verbal and physical codes and expect to be understood (a post on these ‘codes’ is coming soon!); while men tend to withdraw and hide their emotions (unless they ‘suffer’ from Drakesilitus). If women agreed to be clearer about what they want; and men agreed to learn to express their feelings in more concise ways, both sexes would be on the same wavelength. What’s more, our need for completeness is not just manifested in our desire for that “other half” or “better half”. It is also manifested in our desire for truth, knowledge, clarity. No one likes that feeling of ‘unfinished business’ or lack of closure. Maturity means opting for dialogue when conflict arises, and giving valid explanations/answers where needed, as opposed to having the evasive, cowardly approach some of us have when it comes to addressing issues with the opposite sex.

2. Sympathy/Appreciation

Sympathy and appreciation go hand in hand. In the light of the Kobe and Vanessa Bryant divorce and the outrage that resulted from the court order saga, the $70 million etc… The word “appreciation” gained a whole new meaning. But I will not go onto that. I guess true sympathy and true appreciation (for us non-wealthy folks) can be explained differently. As a woman I will never know what it’s like to be a man… And men, until you’ve walked in our heels, you will never know what we go through as females. But one thing we can do, is make the conscious decision to sympathise more with you, try to understand what you go through, your struggles, your challenges as men, etc. And ultimately… criticise you less and appreciate you more. The same way, men should recognise the efforts required to be strong, successful women in today’s society and 1. never take it for granted. 2. Never make that journey more difficult for us than it already is.

3. Mutual respect:

The notion of respect between men and women has become so clichéd that some of us have started to take it for granted. I recently tweeted about the way that men classify women (the hoe vs the wife etc.); rename women (bitch, chick etc.); rate women (“she’s a 4/10″) and overall the lack of respect when referring to or addressing women. The men on my timeline then pointed out that women have similar ways to degrade men, e.g. the term “wasteman”. My response was that we women don’t have half the derogatory terms that men have for us. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was still not right. If we are going to demand respect from others, we must learn to respect others first.

4. The right to privacy:

Incidentally this post comes the day after the whole Cheryl Cole and Harvey drama that took place on Twitter yesterday. Do read about it if you don’t know what happened. In a society where every raunchy story has the potential to make thousands of pounds and where people would rather indulge in juicy gossip than read about the plight of women in Eastern Congo, ‘privacy’ seems so 1950′s. One of Harvey’s friends told him not to bother sharing private information with the world. Some things just don’t need to be disclosed, not even to friends.

Modern society encourages shared experiences, and whilst I believe in the beauty of it, I also happen to believe in the need for secret gardens. In my opinion, women confide whilst men tell stories. One of my friends called me in tears late last year, to tell me that her ex-boyfriend had told his boys false stories about her. She was broken. He painted an image of her that was not only false, but totally repulsive. Men need to carefully think about the repercussions of telling their boys everything. Anything that is taken out of context can look and sound atrocious. Besides, a woman’s reputation is more fragile than a man’s and therefore more easily damaged. Not necessarily more precious, but definitely more fragile. This is one of the areas where, if both sexes made more of an effort to respect each other’s privacy, and ultimately protect each other’s reputation, there could be more harmony.

5. The right to move on

When things turn sour, we owe it to each other to provide the space and capacity to keep it moving. Women often try to hold on to things they know they don’t need, while men are better at letting go and moving on. This has got to change. Most men have a natural ability to foresee a lot of things and emotionally detach themselves from the moment they see it; whereas women get emotionally involved early on. But the process of moving on requires a conscious effort from both parties, and clarity too (see point one). Ladies, holding on to a man who is desperate to move on with his life only shows your level of desperation. And men, don’t entertain physical intimacy with a woman you don’t want to have an emotional relationship with.

Feel free to leave comments below, I would love to hear your thoughts on positive male/female interactions.

Last year, I was asked out on a few dates*. By women; some of whom were pretty much strangers. It was like going back to the times when I was single and mingling – the nerves, the anticipation, having to choose the appropriate outfit, having to think of a place to meet, how to talk, what to talk about, the awkward silences…

Some of these dates materialised, others didn’t, for various reasons. But looking back, I think I’ve learnt a few valuable lessons from the female dating scene, lessons which I’d like to share with my readers. It has made me think differently about the way friendships are formed. I wondered if  approaching female friendships like romantic relationships would help us make better choices when it comes to the people we choose to affiliate ourselves with. I also wondered if ‘best friends’ were just ‘soul mates’ in disguise. And finally, it made me think about the amount of time we women spend searching for love and romance compared to the amount of time we invest in finding true, long-lasting female friendships.

1. Dating women… to make new friends.

In the last two years, I’ve started to genuinely enjoy the company of fellow women, in fact much more than I used to, firstly because becoming a mother made me  yearn for friendships with women who didn’t have children, just for the sake of escaping the sometimes very exhausting demands of motherhood and everything that’s attached to it. Secondly because I always get excited about the possibility of new friendships, both with women and men (yes, men too); and while I don’t go out of my way to make new friends by any means necessary, I do embrace the odd introduction by a mutual friend.

One of the strangers who asked me out on a date told me she “felt like I could be the type of person she’d get along with, and would therefore like to go for coffee sometime.” It’s a scary thought. Someone you’ve never really met before, who only knows you within a social media context, or through someone else, or recognises you from church, asking if you could go for coffee… Those who really know me know how shy I get around people that I barely know. But my perception of ‘strangers’ has changed dramatically in the last few months. The truth is, those ‘strangers’ are just like me. And I am just like them. Intimidation is a major factor, but I always say that once you feel comfortable enough to start calling a person by their name and smile at them, they are no longer strangers. There is something quite exciting and intriguing about first dates, the thought of where it will all go, visions of your future – will this new person be a part of it? Or will they end up being the type of person you wish you had never met? Speaking of which, when it comes to dating women… what’s the worst that could happen? If you don’t hit it off or don’t have much in common – It doesn’t really matter after all, at least you gave it a try.

2. Dating women… for business.

Women make fantastic business partners (and fantastic CEOs too – don’t believe this Forbes article by Gene Marks). The problem is that in business, in the media and in the creative world in general, women don’t collaborate enough. From my [relatively vague] observations, men are much better at forming collectives and joining forces to create and innovate. Women often prefer working on their own or with women they already know and trust. Discussing business over coffee with a complete stranger, no matter how qualified, skilled or ambitious she is, sounds like a frightening idea. I remember the day I went to a networking event and a lady told me about a project she had been working on. She listed all the things she needed to do in order to bring it to fruition, and ended the conversation by saying she was (I quote) “determined to do it all by herself, or worse come to worst, with the help of a few guy friends she had in mind. Strictly no women.” This made me quite sad.

Is it the fear of the “fellow woman”? Do we fear that other women are out to steal our ideas and run away with them? Do we think women aren’t as focused and dedicated as men? In order to achieve Beyonce’s conveniently idealistic views on ‘who run the world’, which, by the way, to me, are more prophetic than representative of today’s society, we have to look past our own little hang-ups and join forces at a level we can control – women working with women, for women, then, with men, for the world. I have a lot of admiration for women who go out there and actively seek the input of other women in whatever project or business venture they embark on. Let’s work together, ladies!

3. Dating women… because dating men is overrated. Sometimes.

There are enough serious matters to deal with in life and for us women, society tells us that men and relationships represent over 70% of the ‘serious matters to deal with before I die’ category. Notice I used the word ‘society’ as opposed to ‘statistics’. The point is that we all need a break sometimes.

This is where dating our girlfriends becomes much more fun than dating potential male suiters. This is when focusing our attention on rekindling our female friendships becomes much more enjoyable than trying to find the perfect boyfriend/husband (delete as applicable). Sometimes, women just want to have fun, leave their relationships problems behind and enjoy girly dates, spa treatments, facials, pyjama parties with women, and women only. Because ‘pyjama’ parties with the opposite sex would defeat the entire purpose of this post.

4. Dating women… To prove to men that it can be done.

Realising that women can live harmoniously is not only important for us as females, but for men too, who, let’s face it, look like they take pleasure in pointing out the ways in which women constantly bring each other down. With all the criticism that women have received in the last decades when it comes to the dynamics of female interaction and friendships, perhaps it is time to start celebrating and parading the things that unite us as women. Let’s not kid ourselves, the criticism is true: We all know our failures as women – the jealousies, the envy, the competition, the negative attitudes, the disloyalty… But the good thing about going on dates with a friend you once felt jealous of is that the moment you listen to her story, her struggles, the things she dealt with while trying to ‘make it’… you realise how unnecessary it was for you to have these feelings of envy towards her. Spend time with the women in your life you thought you were competing with, take the time to listen to their journey, as very often, you will find similarities and areas where you can relate and help each other with. As young women, it is vital that we eradicate this imaginary “competition” we have created in our minds. Life is a race but not a competition. It is a race that each individual is free to run at their own pace. We all get to the finish line at different times, whatever the ‘finish line’ may represent for you – a career, marriage, a child, learning to cook or even hair growth… (believe me, these are the kinds of things that the imaginary competitions in our minds consist of…)

Interested, not desperate…

Having said all this, most times, I really cannot be bothered with the female dating scene. Yes, I do get excited about new friendship prospects but the main reason why a lot of my 2011 dates never actually took place was because it really wasn’t a necessity for me to get close to that many more people. Right now I feel my close circle of friends is complete, although I never close the door to developing new relationships with people who may not necessarily fit my criteria for close, intimate friendships – and that’s okay too. I guess what we have to remember is that friends can always disappoint and you will only be hurt by the people who have a place in your heart. In other words, guard your heart and choose your friends wisely.

*For the purpose of this post, the terms “date”,”dating” refer to girly dates, friendship dates, women spending one on one time together, going out to dinner, cinema, etc. Basically as a way to approach female friendships like real dates.

Dreaming of the things you know you will never obtain, and receiving the things you never dreamt of, only to realise that these were the things your dreams should have been made of.

Realising that there are no mistakes, only lessons; there are no regrets, only memories. The bad is there to make the good what it is.

Understanding that you can’t choose the way others feel about you, you can’t read minds, you can’t change hearts, but you can love them in spite of them.

Living life among your best enemies and your worst friends, sometimes without being able to tell them apart, but loving yourself enough to know that it doesn’t really matter.

Living each day as if it were the last one, not because you only live once, but because tonight is not promised, let alone tomorrow.

Trying to stop your mouth from whispering the things that your heart is not screaming. And to stop your mind from thinking the things that your spirit does not believe.

Realising that the best life is not the life you wish you had but the life that God has already planned for you.

Remembering that choosing is also renouncing. Saying yes to one will mean saying no to two; saying hello to tomorrow will mean saying goodbye to yesterday.

Embracing life as a whirlwind of emotions and an avalanche of experiences, whether good or bad, because they are the story, they are your story.

This is evolving. This is moving forward. This is living.

Today is World AIDS Day. I have blogged about HIV before and my Activism page is partly dedicated to issues that relate to HIV and AIDS but I feel compelled to write about the importance that we give to HIV and AIDS as a society, more particularly as young adults. Two days ago I attended a lecture about the progress in HIV and AIDS treatment at the Royal Society, with two friends who are just as passionate about HIV and AIDS as I am. It was an informative and inspiring event during which we learnt about the positive impact that ARV (Antiretroviral drugs) have had all over the world.

Just to summarise some of the things we learnt at the lecture: Today, it is proven that Antiretrovirals reduce the risk of transmission by 96% in adults and 30%-54% in unborn babies. But scientific research has to continue as 30 years after the discovery of AIDS, we still have no vaccine and no cure. This is due to a limitation in animal models that can be used for research, the genetic variability of the HIV and many other factors. There is a vaccine that boosts protection levels by 30% (the Thai-RV144) and few people have natural protection but in terms of “curing” AIDS, the ultimate goal still hasn’t been achieved. ARV is a lifelong treatment and does not completely reconstruct the immune system and although it does improve the quality of life of AIDS victims, it is no genuine substitute for an effective, ultimate cure.

During the lecture, the current model to tackle HIV and AIDS was presented to us as follows:

Scientific evidence and data from individual countries > Activism (including creating awareness) > Political leaders and health authorities > Work with communities > Training > intervention  from organisations > Access to Care and Treatment.

Where do you see yourself in the above process?

There is an urgent need for new funding to implement the strategies and mechanisms currently put in place to combat AIDS. Without funding, the pandemic will not only continue but it will increase too. And the current economical crisis does not help.

But as we walked back to the train station after the lecture, the conversation went from the advance in medicine and impact of ARV to the attitudes of young adults towards HIV. As inspiring as it is to hear about the progress in medicine and the many lives that it has helped improve, we still need to make more effort to create awareness and help change attitudes towards the disease. There seems to have been a hiatus in the process of destigmatization. My belief is that before we can combat the disease itself, we need to combat the negative attitudes and the stigma that surround HIV. People who suffer from HIV don’t just suffer from HIV itself but they suffer from all the other diseases  that are attached to it: the discrimination, the lack of understanding, the lack of compassion, the stigma, the shame…

Do these issues ever cross your mind?

When it comes to the risks of infection, the level of misinformation and ignorance among young adults is still quite staggering. When tackling the issue of sexually transmitted diseases, we often stop at the common ones such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea. HIV is rarely in the spotlight. Yet technically, a person who puts themselves at risk of catching Chlamydia also puts themselves at risk of contracting HIV. Young people get sent free chlamydia testing kits by post; in fact I have lost count of how many I have received in the last few years, even though I had never asked for one. But how many times a year do we get invitations from our local clinics to get tested for HIV? Of course health professionals could say that we are currently dealing with much more cases of chlamydia, warts and gonorrhoea than cases of HIV, but ignoring and undermining the risks is the first cause of transmission and growth of the pandemic. I was once told “You have to approach every potential sexual partner as if they were HIV positive, then, and only then, will you realise the importance of protection.”

How much thought do you give HIV?

Changing mentality…

Combating HIV requires a major change in mentality. The promiscuous tendencies of our generation mean that over time, what the world has seen was not just a lack of knowledge (which then leads to an increase in transmission risks) but also a total disregard for other people’s health.

“I can mend from a broken heart, but don’t mess with my health” – Rukayah Sarumi.

Should we start teaching values such as trust, fidelity and faithfulness alongside sexual health? Are these values that our society has lost over the years, when sexual emancipation was at its peak? Are we forgetting some fundamental principles here? Changing mentalities should be at the heart of the fight against HIV. Sexual emancipation should not come with risks, considering the progress in prevention techniques, condoms being the main and most effective one. Men in particular need to implement these values and start thinking of the risks they pose for their partners.

There is a lot that can be done at individual level, from individual responsibility to raising awareness. We can all play our part because HIV concerns us all. But do we think about HIV enough?

Chimamanda Adichie’s TED talk “The danger of a single story” is exactly how I felt about Ethiopia before I was given the chance to travel to this beautiful country. Everything I had heard about Ethiopia so far involved tragic stories of famine and poverty and the only images that came to mind whenever I thought about it were of starving, dying children. Although I knew that just like any other African country, there was more about Ethiopia than what was being said on TV, I had never taken the time to research and inform myself about the positive realities of life in this country. I had never tried to find out more about Ethiopian lifestyle, the tourist attractions and all the other good things that make Ethiopia what it is today, a country rich in culture, history and heritage. Instead, I believed in the media’s very negative portrayal of it.

When I took part in the “Blog 4 Girls” competition organised by Plan UK and The Guardian, I did not think for a second that I would be shortlisted as a finalist, let alone that I would win it. If I’m completely honest, the 6-day trip to Ethiopia did not even appeal to me that much, but I still entered the competition out of curiosity, to see how far I could actually go and also as a way to surpass myself.

“But I’m not sure I want to go to Ethiopia…”

… Those were the first words that came out of my mouth just moments after I was told that I had won the competition. My voice shook as I announced the news to my husband. He, on the other hand, was very proud and excited for me, but, understandably, wanted to make sure I would be in safe hands throughout the trip.

It took a while to finalise all the details of the trip, but towards the end of October, the flights and hotel rooms were booked and everything finally sunk in.

First moments…

Addis Ababa Airport, taken from the car as we drove to the hotel.

It’s about 12 noon on Monday 14th, we have just landed at Addis Ababa Airport. I am exhausted, but excited about the next 6 days. First impressions: It’s not as hot as I thought it would be; the airport is rather quiet; a few photographers travelled on the same flight as us, as well as people who appeared to be foreign journalists or diplomats. Ethiopia clearly seems to attract a lot of international interest. After queuing at the immigration section for no more than 15 minutes, the officer asks for my phone number and tries to invite me to dinner. What an interesting start to the trip! We change our American dollars and British pounds into Ethiopian Birrs at the bureau de Change and head outside, where a driver is waiting for us.

Streets of Addis Ababa

We’re driving through the busy streets of Addis Ababa and I notice a few distinct things about the town. First of all, it is absolutely gorgeous and vibrant. A lot of beautiful buildings, great architecture and we notice there is a lot of construction work taking place around town. Commerce is everywhere. There are shops, beauty salons, markets, billboards and posters at every corner of the street, a bit like in London. But there are also quite a few beggars and street kids going from car to car, asking people to spare a few Birrs. Addis is not conservative at all. The women are particularly beautiful and trendy and I notice that skinny jeans are the current wave! Every young girl we see is wearing a pair of skinny jeans, showing off those perfect hourglass figures Ethiopian women are known to have. There are a lot of churches on the streets of Addis, with large, bold signs that read “Jesus is the way” or “I belong to Jesus”. We also notice a strong International presence, especially Chinese people. We are told that the Chinese are here to do business, and here to stay!

Busy streets of Addis Ababa

When we arrive  at the hotel, we are welcomed warmly and taken to our room. The staff are very keen to help and make us feel at home. Hotel Siyonat is quite a prestigious establishment and our room is immaculate. Not that we were expecting anything different, but we are pleasantly surprised.

The lobby at Siyonat Hotel

We take the time to get used to our new surroundings and make ourselves comfortable, although we’re only here for a night: tomorrow morning we’re heading to Hawassa, southern Ethiopia, where the real work will begin.

Me outside Plan Ethiopia offices in Addis.

Our itinerary was neatly put in place by the Plan Ethiopia team. We have a series of interviews of local women lined up in different communities near Hawassa, as well as visits to schools, youth centres and clinics all built by Plan. I cannot wait to get there and explore rural Ethiopia.

On the way to Hawassa. Great views and landscapes.

The next morning at 9:30, we meet our driver Tezazu and Elias, our photographer, a young Ethiopia man who works as a journalist and photojournalist. We begin the 5-hour journey to Hawassa; I cannot stop looking around me and taking pictures. The views are breathtaking…

Huts on the way to Hawassa.

It’s such a unique experience being able to see local people go about their daily business as their daily activities are quite different to what we’re used to seeing here in London, things like selling merchandise off the back of a donkey, for example! There are animals on the roads and on the pavement, cows, sheep, goats… some used as means of transport, others wandering and crossing the road aimlessly. Our driver Tezazu beeps his horn about one hundred times in the space of an hour!

The animals are very much part of the population!

Little girls going to fetch water.

In the car, Elias our photographer takes plenty of pictures. Despite living here, it is clear that as a photographer, he still can’t get enough of the beautiful scenery, the local children and the landscapes. He captures anything from little girls walking to school to men pulling their donkeys out of the road. Elias also takes the time to tell me about the area where he lives, in Addis Ababa. He tells me that in that he lives near the red light district and that there are quite a few teenage prostitutes. He also explains that life in Ethiopia has become more and more expensive in the last few years and that people aren’t managing as well as they used to.

We drive past the biggest chinese industrial park in Ethiopia. It is a huge complex with warehouses and factories. Tezazu tells us that the Chinese manufacture and process anything, from clothing to food. He also jokes that in a few years time, most Ethiopians will have “Chinese eyes”!

We stop off at a traditional Ethiopian restaurant for lunch and order a huge plate of Injera, which is Ethiopia’s national dish. It is a large pancake made of teff flour and accompanied with meat, fish or vegetables. Ethiopians share a plate and eat with their fingers, which was a very unique thing to experience for us.

We then make our way to Hotel Pinna II to leave our luggage, then go and visit Plan Ethiopia offices in Hawassa to meet the team that will be supervising us during our stay. After meeting each member of the team, we go back to the town centre and spend a relaxing evening with Elias, having drinks at Lake Hawassa.

Lake Hawassa.

Chilling at Lake Hawassa

Let the fieldwork begin…

Travelling to Ethiopia with Plan opened my eyes on the issues faced by Ethiopian girls and women as well as the impact Plan has had in some of local communities. We witnessed the way that the drought affects the lives of the local people, especially the children. We headed south and visited to the Hobolso community, still near Hawassa, to meet 9-year-old Masantu who dropped out of school because her parents could no longer afford to pay the school fees after their banana and coffee farms stopped producing fruit.

In the Hobolso community with some of the local children.

Masantu tells us that her days are now completely different to when she used to go to school. “I loved school and wanted to be a teacher. But today I have to clean the house, fetch water and care for my brothers and sisters”, she tells us.

Masantu showing me the false banana crops.

This has been the case for a lot of the children in these remote communities since the beginning of the drought. On our way there we noticed a large number of children working, herding cows, fetching water and selling goods, which was a contrast to the children we saw at some of the local schools built by Plan – children who looked fulfilled and happy to have been given a chance at education.

Happy school children.

The drought was not the only thing that stopped girls from going to school. Early and forced marriage is not uncommon in Ethiopia and as legislation has not been enforced, families are not always aware that they are breaking the law by marrying their daughters. In fact girls themselves may not know their rights, which makes it harder for them to oppose the decisions made on their behalf by their families. When we arrived at the Dobetoga Community, we met 14-year-old Tigist, a wife and mother of a 1-year-old boy. “I was ready to continue my education, but my sister wanted me to get married. I did not know my husband before I married him, my sister introduced me to him.” Tigist tells us.

14 year old Tigist, a young wife and mother.

Although she was hoping to become a doctor before she got married, today she fears she will never be able to go back to school as her responsibilities within the household keep increasing. “My husband told me I would have the opportunity to go back to school later. But things didn’t go according to plan and I became pregnant.” Tigist also tells us that Plan gave her training and raised awareness about birth complications and female circumcision. According to her, the fact that she was not circumcised reduced the pain she experienced during labour.

But in cases where the girls receive inadequate pre-natal and post-natal care, different problems can occur, from premature birth and infant death to severe fistula. In the Gobo Hebesha community, we met 20-year-old Gena who got married at the age of 16 through abduction. She did not go to school because her parents did not understand the importance of female education. After she was abducted and married off, Gena gave birth to two children with the help of a traditional birth attendant. She suffered a severe case of fistula after giving birth to her second child. While we interviewed Gena, we could all sense her discomfort. She could barely sit properly on the wooden bench and found it hard to make eye contact with us. “I was referred for some treatment at the hospital but I could not afford to pay for transport to get to the hospital”, Gena tells us. As a result, the fistula was never treated and engendered even more complications. We were told that healthcare costs are taken in charge by the government but patients still have to raise the money to get to the hospital. She continues, “I have constant abdominal pain, discomfort and incontinence. I tried to take some traditional medicines but nothing helped. Today I can’t work or support my family because I’m in so much pain.” While speaking to Dela, another woman suffering from fistula, we are told that fistula can cause social alienation, as the symptoms are not easy to manage in public, from discomfort while sitting down to bad odour.

Interviewing Dela, a 50 year old woman who suffers from fistula.

It was inspiring to see the way in which the people in these communities always find a way to generate income, be it through their coffee or banana farming or the local juices that some of them sell to other villagers. However these are not sustainable ways to make money as the drought always hinder the harvests of coffee, fruits and vegetables. Besides, we don’t want these women to just survive, we want them to thrive and have enough money to do whatever they need to do for their families. With poverty still an ongoing reality in these regions, Plan has helped some of these families buy providing them with cows, sheep and building water points that are closer to their homes. And of course, promoting child sponsorship on a global scale.

Me, Lemlem and Kassech, two Plan Ethiopia employees.

Overall, everywhere we went, we noticed Plan had quite a strong presence in these communities, from health centres to schools and youth projects, all built by plan and most handed over to the community. Although it was clear that the people in these communities still needed more help and support, it was very inspiring to see the difference that Plan is making in their lives. We met many more people, heard many more inspiring stories and our field work ended on Friday 18th November. I left Hawassa with my head full of ideas on what to do next to create more awareness about some of the issues we heard of, what to blog about, what to tell everyone in the UK. I am hoping that you will be touched by some of the things you have read in this post, and will visit the Plan website to find out more about how you can help these communities.

Me and some of the local people.

Seeing a different side of Ethiopia…

It was hard to describe this trip. At the airport, we ticked “business” on the immigration forms. But to me this trip was for business, humanitarian/charity purposes and for leisure too, since we got to relax and enjoy Ethiopia’s social scene. When people ask me what I thought of Ethiopia as a country, I tell them that firstly, it is an amazing place, and secondly, I am glad I got to experience both sides of the country, not just the poverty but the luxury too. We travelled back to Addis and Elias took us on a night out to discover Addis’ nightlife. We had a great time. Ethiopians know how to party! To be perfectly honest, at first it was quite difficult to enjoy the nightlife to the fullest and the posh restaurants, because when you’ve spent 3 days in a row in some of the poorest Ethiopian villages, it is difficult to go back to your  luxurious hotel room without feeling a little bit guilty and uncomfortable. However, Ethiopians don’t want you to feel that way. They don’t want you to pity them. They want you to experience everything that their beautiful country has to offer, the hospitality, the kindness of the people, etc.  Ethiopia has some beautiful places to visit, great resorts and hotels, great buildings to see, great restaurants to dine in, great people to meet… It would be a shame not to acknowledge this.

Enjoying an evening at Bole Rock, a jazz bar and restaurant in Addis Ababa.

That said, it is clear what this country needs more than anything is the means to help its people thrive, not just survive. And the only way to do this is to bring to light some of the issues that are currently being brushed under the carpet, both social and economical. I am grateful I got to experience Ethiopia for 6 days and I am certain I will go back in the next few years.

I hope you enjoyed this post. Feel free to leave comments and ask questions.

We, women, promise to be everything you dream of.

Terms and conditions apply. Please read carefully.

EARLY STAGES:

• We women reserve the right to reject and, if needed, physically rebuke any male subject that does not fit at least 80% of our criteria when it comes to finding love.
• Any use of the words “I love you” by the male subject within the first few days of the “casual dating” period will result in immediate termination of the relationship, with or without notice.
• In the context of these terms and conditions, the term “casual dating” means the period where the subjects are more than “just friends” but not yet in a serious, committed relationship; and getting to know each other.
• And in the context of these terms and conditions, the term “casual dating” or the phrase “getting to know each other” do NOT refer to the practice of casual sex or friends with benefits. Should the male subject have a problem with this part of the agreement, special measures will be taken in order to facilitate the eviction process that may follow as a result, such as polite rejection or gentle dismissal.
• We women reserve the right to enquire about personal circumstances, career aspirations, finances, short and long term goals, during the first few dates. In the event of unsatisfactory answers, an extra time allowance may be given to the male subject, to allow him to grow, mature and learn if need be.
• This does not exclude the possibility of total retraction and abandonment of the relationship, with or without notice.
• To opt out of the relationship, the male subject is required to arrange a meeting beforehand, where matters will be discussed further. Termination of the relationship over the phone or via text message will result in consequential damage.
• In the event of a disastrous first date, we women reserve the right to bring all contact with the subject to an end.
• We also reserve the right to warn other potential female suiters about the possibilities and probabilities of a disaster happening should they consider giving the male subject a chance.
• In the event of non-reciprocal love (in which the male is the “unloved” subject), we women reserve the right to excuse ourselves and arrange an imminent departure.

RELATIONSHIP:

• Extra charges apply for the purchase and delivery of clothes, handbags and shoes, usually at the beginning of every season. Please note that during the winter, this charge may double.
• We women reserve the right to exercise occasional irrationality or CBW behaviour. Should the male subject feel uncomfortable with such behaviour, a cooling off period of 24 hours will be given, to allow him to escape.
• For the purpose of these terms and conditions, the term “to escape” means “to retire to a place that is within a circumsphere of no more than 20 miles, AND return promptly to the female subject in order to sort out the issues  raised”.
• Should the male subject consider an “escape” abroad, termination of the relationship will be immediate.
• In the event of an argument, the last say should always be attributed to the female subject.
• Any use of abusive language or behaviour will result in serious actions being taken against the subject, from the cremation of valued pieces of technology (Blackberries, iPads, iMacs, FIFA/Pro Evolution games etc.) to a sudden termination of the relationship.
• The male subject is required to seriously consider marriage matters at least two years after making the relationship “official”. Failure to commit will result in premature termination of the relationship.
• In the event of shady behaviour from the male subject, we women reserve the right to inflict appropriate sanctions, if the subject cannot prove his innocence. From the confiscation and thorough analysis of mobile phone devices, including BBM and iMessage history, to the immediate termination of the relationship.
• The subject is required to learn to speak and understand the appropriate female linguo. e.g. “I’m okay” may occasionally mean “No, I’m not okay and I feel like punching you hard.” Failure to do so will result in serious miscommunication and cause unnecessary damage to both subjects.
• By accepting the terms and conditions of this relationship, the male subject automatically accepts that women are always right.
• The male subject is required to make use of the following at all times (in no particular order): Romance, toothpaste, good communication, understanding, love, support, humour and unselfish sex (in the event of marriage).
• We women reserve the right to notify the male subject about any signs of negligence observed in terms of appearance, grooming and hygiene. The male subject is required to take note, and failure to act accordingly will result in the immediate termination of the relationship.

ENDING YOUR AGREEMENT:

• If the male subject no longer wishes to be a part of the relationship, he is required to give at least two weeks notice and provide valid reasons, face to face. Phone calls, texts and emails will not be considered. Not even hand written letters. Or flowers.
• We women reserve the right to end all post-break-up communication with the male subject.
• We also reserve the right to Facebook stalk the male subject and his new person of interest, whether male or female, for an indefinite period of time.
• Any important changes to the initial agreement between the subjects should be discussed thoroughly. Failure to do so will result in consequential damage.

The ‘Because I am Girl: The State of the World’s Girls 2011’ report is a global report on girls’ rights, created by Plan International and launched on Wednesday 12^th October at Somerset House, London. I had the privilege to attend the event and meet some of the people involved in the making of this report. This is the fifth in a series of nine annual reports that highlight the experiences of girls growing up in the world’s poorest communities, providing facts, case studies and contributions from key people and organisations. The theme for this year is “So, what about the boys?” and it explores the ways in which boys and men can play an active role in the fight for gender equality.

The aim of this year’s report is to demonstrate that one of the ways to involve men and boys in the fight against inequality is to work directly with them, so that the change can be passed on from father to son in generations to come. Girls and women’s rights are human rights too, and if boys and men believe in human rights, they too can help ensure that girls get an education, fulfil their potential and even become leaders. Two thirds of the world’s illiterate are women, which shows there is an urgent need for girls to get access to education from a young age. Boys and men should endorse gender equality because investing in girls has an impact on economies, which, in the long scheme of things, will benefit everyone.

At the launch, we heard from The Rt Hon Spephen O’Brien MP, the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for International Development, who talked about defending the financial decisions made by the State when it comes to investing in developing countries. O’Brien also talked about the importance of working with village chiefs and decision makers in these countries to make sure there is a shift in thinking. In many societies around the world, as well as in the family and the workplace, men still have the upper hand in terms of power and control. Without support from those in power, equality will not be achieved.

We often think of gender equality as a girls’ issue, but it is something that concerns boys too. Men too are the victims of violence, homophobia, bullying and gender stereotyping. In fact, due to today’s definition of “masculinity”, there is increasing pressure on boys and men to prove their manhood: They are expected to be tough, hard, fighters and risk-takers, which can sometimes lead to fatalities. Men are also encouraged to conceal their emotions, which not only has consequences on their mental health but on their relationships with others too. A Plan UK survey, which can be found in the report, highlights the struggle faced by teenage boys when it comes to expressing their feelings, revealing staggering figures: “54% of boys talked to their friends about their feelings more than once a month, compared to 77% of girls.” This lack of emotional involvement can also cause boys to lack empathy towards other issues, including issues affecting girls. A lot of the work that is required to decrease the gap between men and women involves changing human behaviour and encouraging men to see the opposite sex as an ally, a partner and a friend, as opposed to an adversary. The report highlights the importance of maturity, talk and support when it comes to helping young men not to use violence against women.

On a personal level, I found the event very inspiring, and the report itself extremely interesting, informative and well written. Hearing the different speakers talk about the amount of work involved in the report, particularly Marie Staunton, CEO of Plan UK, also made me realise how important it is for activists to be proactive and not just vocal about these issues. I will always praise the work that Plan UK are doing to change lives around the world, not just by bringing these sensitive issues to light, but by going out there, working in the countries affected and speaking directly with the men themselves, the decision makers and the people in power. It is truly inspiring.